Told you so...

When I started this blog I told anyone reading it I am bad at keeping up with blogs--I am. So that is really all this post is about; I suck. I can't keep with doing a blog, podcast or most other things. Even more so when I have even the slightest bit of success. Maybe it's something I need to look into, maybe it's a fear of failure.

Lifeless

So I've been hard at work and school as of late. That makes keeping up this blog hard. So I am going to post some stuff from school here. First thing was something called Lifeless, it is a descriptive paragraph. I was in a dark place and wrote about taking one last look at my fathers dead body. By the way it had to be true, if it hadn't I would have written about zombies. I still haven't gotten back a grade for this yet, but I am sure it's not going to get a good one. But I would like to share it with you all.

Lifeless

The smell of hand sanitizer hung thick in the air; I was the last person out of the small darkened hospital room. It would seem that I am one for self punishment, but I had to take one last look at my father’s body. The strongest man I knew, was now just an empty pale shell of himself. His skin, a bluish green tint, pulled so tight on his face from the daily dialysis; it was stuck in the beginnings of a perpetual yawn. Both eye sunken in, the lids clung to the lifeless surface. Only a tiny rim of green could be seen around the endless black pupils that now dominated both orbs. A fading trail from his left eye to the pillow was the only sign of moisture that seemed to be left in his shriveled body. His nose, now slightly purple on the tip, long and pointed, lead to his forehead that held no lines. Which made it seem as if he was made of porcelain. I ran my hand over his short brown hair, that had just been cut to the way he liked it. Cold seemed to radiate from his skin. The question mark shaped scar from the brain surgery just a month before, could barely be seen on the right side his head. I couldn’t help but wonder what the fight for the last month had seemed like from his point of view; as I head out the door saying my last goodbyes to a man who was already gone.

Edumakasion!

Well on Monday I start my first day of school. It's weird how much brighter things seemed five years ago when I first tried the college thing. Everyone was alive, and I don't mean in the sense of liveliness. These last five years have brought about so many changes and not many that I have been to happy with. All the jobs I went through, the pain, the deaths and the failure. When I was younger I wouldn't have thought so much change could happen in five years.

Of course there has been good, my marriage, friends and getting published. But it's shocking that bad things do tend to out weigh the good. So I guess I am going to have to set out and let nothing else bad happen over the next five years. I need to get my schooling done and more writings published.

A short post, but I have lots of things to work on.

Don't Fear the Reader

Something weird has happened after getting published, I'm afraid of the next time that I do. I know that is weird but it is what is going on in my mind all the time. I mean on one side I can't wait to see my name on the cover of a book or once again in the table of contents of an anthology. Then there is that part of me that wonders if the first time I was, wasn't some kind of mistake. Sure the story has gotten some good reviews but is that just because the story can touch home or is it because it is written well?

See the weird thing is, and I am going to come off sounding like a cocky dick here, I know I can tell a story. There have been far to many people in my life tell me that I come up with some awesome ideas. So I don't worry so much about the story as I do the way that it's told. I can't help but think the one thing I have published could have been written better. It more like, I don't know, I reread it after I received the hard copy. There just seemed like there should have been more there. That something was missing. To me it might lend itself to the lack of grammatical skills I have.

Maybe it's an writer thing, I've heard tails of writers never being finished with their stories. The problem there is all stories must come to an end. I understand that, but even as a child I could not except such a fact. The credits would roll and I was always wondering what was to happen next.

Some people have told me that I just need to shut up and be happy I was even published. Trust me I am very happy, should I post the pictures of the day I got the hard copy in the mail? I'm not trying to nitpick, I'm just terrified that this dream I have had all my life will come crashing down right as I get started. See the thing most people don't know is that writing used to be a secret passion. I might have said it on here before in which case I guess anyone that read it knows. See for one reason or another when I was young I could not admit that I enjoyed something or wanted to do something. Still like that now, so to admit and work at writing only to fail is extra scary.

I'm not looking for fame here. If I happen to get that then wonderful, but I'd be just fine being that guy that puts out books you may or may not know. Oh and make a bit of a living off it. That's all.

What I do know is that this fear is keeping me from doing what I want to do. I have started on so many projects only to pass working on them out of fear. What if I put all that time into it and it sucks? It just seems this fear should be gone. It seems like getting published should have been that kick in the balls that told me that I can do this.

So I think the main thing is my education, so I am going to go back to school. Take a writing class better my grammar and write something so kick ass it might just kill me. I'm sure that will be what will remove that fear I have. At least I hope it does. There is always the fact it could be a writers thing.

Writing is Writing

Hello again my good friends. Why am I in such a good mood? Well I've decided to let you all in on a little secret, the secret many "writers" don't want you to know because if normal folks like you even knew one part of it you'd out write them in a heart beat. But first you must give me some money, you know make an investment so that you can make more money. But first before you give me your money, don’t give your money to me or anyone else that will tell you that they can help you get published.

Alright so even though I have only been published once and no idea if the book I have sent out will ever see print, people still ask me what is my secret. Truth is I don't think people want to know the real answer. Because the real answer is the most obvious and yet the one that requires the most work.

Why is it that most people seem to not want to hear the truth? You’ll find this in other places and not just in writing. Everywhere there is a simple answer people want something even simpler. On a grand scale people think that everyone has a secret for what they do, love, work and play. Fact is if you want to know how to be a good lover, you need to love, to be a good worker, you need to work and to play, you need to play. It takes time to do things right and that’s why to become a better writer, you guessed it you need to write.

I’m not the one that should be getting asked these types of questions, I have only one little story published. So, if people are still going to ask, I have to tell them what I know. Even big name writers will tell you the same thing, write more if you want to be a good writer. I bring this up, because more often or not when I tell people it’s just that simple, they will then point out that I am just starting out myself and they really should have asked someone else.

So instead people will turn to crappy writing programs and spend lots of money to do something they are already doing for free. I don’t know if they fully understand how hard this simple answer really is. Like I pointed out, it’s the same as every thing else in life, you must do to get better at it.

I think maybe they think there is more to the issue then just doing what they need to be doing. Maybe it’s a way so they can fool themselves into thinking that they are working on doing something with no intention of doing it. Kind of like someone who will ask you if you need help, and they really don’t plan on helping you. It’s more or less just a way so they can say they offered. I feel a lot of people who ask about the secret of writing don’t really want to write, they just want to make it seem like they want to. Make it seem like they tried. I hope none of you reading this are like that, but if you are, you might just need to find something else.

Then there are people who think everything is done with hard work. Writing is harder then most people will think and all it is, is just putting words to the page. But you work your mind in such a way, you can walk away from a computer feeling as if you ran a few miles. I don’t know how it works that way but it does. Maybe it comes from putting all the emotions into it, I really don’t know.

So there you have it and maybe even have your money in your pockets. So don’t run out spending lots of money on how to write. Writing is writing. I also would say don’t spend much on becoming a better organized writer. I’d say reading, Stephen King’s, On Writing, is a very good book to help you. It will tell you how to find your voice and how to sit down and work on writing, by writing.

I wish I could have had a blog out sooner, but I have been busy.

No Writing Here and Now

So I’ve not blogged in over a week, not something I wanted to let happen. If you have followed anything I have ever done then you know if I let things get away from me it can go on forever. Just ask the fans of Among the Dead, these people are some dedicated and patient people. They never really ask me to put out new episodes, they just wait. Then when I have made them wait for almost a year, they ask if I plan on making new ones, always in such a nice way. Sadly it seems that AtD might be dead as far as the podcast goes. There might be a book someday and then all the audio on a nice CD set with a booklet or scripts. Scripts would be shitty though, I stopped using scripts after the first, twenty episodes. Yeah…

Well lets get into what I have been doing other then blogging. In short, everything but writing. Like I said last time I would write about how I don’t write. Now if I say I haven’t written anything at all, it would be a lie, I have written a little on two books, one zombie and the other not and then started working on the idea of a non fiction book. Yeah, that last one is a little weird and we’ll see how that turns out. I’ve given myself less then five months to have the first two books written and then the non fiction on I’ve given myself two years. So yeah, I have done some writing, but not anywhere as much as I would like or I should.

I’ve been fishing and watching my nephews and my niece. These are about the same, can be fun at times and then annoying as hell others. Trust me the fun times out weigh the annoying. If not, then I wouldn’t do both and I wouldn’t love both either. The kids are just the coolest and the boys are five and they are so damn smart and just full of questions about life. I hope that no one ever shuts them up and they can just keep asking away.

I have also almost died a few times. One way would have been from sunburns. Yeah who knew you could die from them, but I almost did it. The other, I almost died from overdosing my self on my heart meds. Took them too close together and one thing led to another, I almost stopped my heart.

See, I haven’t written as much as I should have. In fact right now, I find myself not wanting to write anymore, I just want to sleep. I haven’t had rest yet. But one thing I am sure of is that I will not let the ext few times I am off work go in vain, I will be writing, on one of the three books and even this blog. I just feel like I have to admit that I have been letting myself slack. So here is for next time and maybe something better then a personal update.

Two Types of People and Neither One will Let Me Write

There are two types of people in this world, as a many adages go, but I have figured it out, there really are two types of people in this world.

Those of us that live in reality and those of us that live in imagination.

Let that sink in for a moment and you may understand it without having to read another word. And honestly, I don’t know if any truer words have ever come from my brain (not that I’m bragging or anything, I’m sure as will all things someone else has thought this already…). So I’ll brake this down, more so seeing that I was just going to tweet this and now I am making a blog post out of it.

See those of us who live in reality, as few as we are, see the world for what it truly is and understands our place in the world pretty much even if we feel lost at times. Sure we dream, have hopes and ambitions, but we understand that to see these things come to fruition that we must work hard for them.

Those of us who live in our imaginations, as few of us as it seems to be, see that the world works for us and us alone. Horrible things happen, to teach us a lesson, whether it happens directly to us or not. We think the world owes us something and that we don’t need to work for it to obtain it, if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be. Sure we can say we have to work for things but we really think it will all work out in the end for us.

Getting where I am going with this?

The thing is people can’t say they fall between these two thoughts. The fact is, if you think you fall between both then you’re living in your own imagination. Why would that be? You are trying to make the world work for you, by saying you fall in the middle, so when the situation arises you can be on the right side.

Let’s look at this even closer. People who live in reality can not become people who live in imagination. Yet, people who live in imagination can become people who live in reality. We are all born into imagination and it requires the right mindset and events for us to move into reality. Reality can come at any age, you don’t have to be an adult to view the world this way. Understand age really has nothing to do with this, neither does maturity, even thought maturity can reflect on this a lot. An immature person can live in reality just as much as a mature person can live in imagination.

People in reality may even long to live in that imagination, but despite what they wont they can’t make it. That’s why I think a lot of people who live in reality use their imaginations a lot.

Gasp, imaginations being used by people who live in reality that, that, that’s just confusing for dumb people.

That may be, but most people who live in imagination don’t use theirs at all.

Gasp again, but how can that be if they live in their imaginations?

Well, they have wasted their imaginations on making up a world for themselves. When you view the world/life as reality then you’re not wasting your imagination on that vast scale, so you can make up stories and hold on to something that most of the world loses, imagination.

That’s why I think that most writers of fiction view the world in reality. We can spend all day daydreaming about zombies taking over the world, or dolphins growing legs and arms, then waging war on man kind. We understand reality sucks and that there is nothing we can do about it, so we make fake ones. Sure people like me, make those worlds all full of suck also, but it’s controlled suck. I think even thought we can see the suck in the world, we still find it a beautiful place.

Those who live in their imaginations, have no need to make up a world on paper (computer screens), they think they are the cure, whether they come out and say it or not. See living in your imagination my seem like you’re living in reality. I knew a guy who because things worked out for him a lot he lived in his imagination. To him it was reality, to everyone else it was just sad. There is another part of people who live in their imaginations that I haven’t come right out and said, it’s kind of a big thing and adds more to the confusion of things.

People living in their imaginations think everyone else(who doesn’t agree with you) is wrong.

Now this, isn’t a part of how to identify where you fall in this thing, no not at all. This is just to point out how close these two fields may seem to be. I mean I guess I could word it this way for people living in reality:

People living in reality knows everyone else is wrong.

But that in and of itself is a false statement. Even people who live in reality can still be wrong about things. So this is maybe where the thin line comes into play for some people. So I have come to point of saying it like this.

Reality = everyone else may be wrong because of something real.

Imagination= everyone else may be wrong because, just because.

Before I go on, I say both groups say everyone, because I think it’s human nature to harbor doubt to another person. It’s a survival tactic, you really can’t trust everyone.

Most people living in imagination use ‘just because’ as an answer to all disagreements. Even if they say they have things to back it up, most of the time it’s nothing real. Such as, it’s true because “I read it on such and such website” or “so and so told me.” It can be an outright lie, or just willful ignorance. It’s hard to say. Either way there is nothing real to back them up. (understand jokes do not count in this, both groups of people can tell jokes and a joke about hearing something from someone, doesn’t mean a person is one way or the other. Same goes for lies. Jokes and lies seem to have their own thin line, but that’s subject for another blog post).

Also before I end this thing I want to clear up a few things.

First, if I have made any correlation between intelligences and the lack there of with either fields, I didn’t mean to. I don’t think intelligences aids one way or the other. I think a very dumb person could view things as reality, while a very smart person views things in the imagination. In fact I say it happens this way more often then not. Lots of the intelligent people I know seem to think way to highly of themselves, on the level of super genius. Less intelligent people seem to know their limit a little more.

Second, I also do not mean that all intelligent people live in their imaginations. To clarify, if you know your own intellectual limit then you’re safe. Oh wait, a better way to put it is, a can’t be beat attitude is the attitude of someone living in their imagination.

Third, political stance has nothing to do with this either. Despite the fact that one side might have more of one then the other, I think that both sides have too many people living in their imaginations to say that either democrats or republicans are dependable.

So yeah, this is just something I was thinking about today while I was at work. Dealt with a lot of shit and heard a lot of it myself. I think my next blog post will be about how, I could write a book on how to avoid writing but it would never get written. Because all I have done is brain storm and let outside events force me not to write. So I hope this post made sense and doesn’t seem like a jumble of nonsense. I also hope it made you think, it's had me thinking all day.