Something weird has happened after getting published, I'm afraid of the next time that I do. I know that is weird but it is what is going on in my mind all the time. I mean on one side I can't wait to see my name on the cover of a book or once again in the table of contents of an anthology. Then there is that part of me that wonders if the first time I was, wasn't some kind of mistake. Sure the story has gotten some good reviews but is that just because the story can touch home or is it because it is written well?
See the weird thing is, and I am going to come off sounding like a cocky dick here, I know I can tell a story. There have been far to many people in my life tell me that I come up with some awesome ideas. So I don't worry so much about the story as I do the way that it's told. I can't help but think the one thing I have published could have been written better. It more like, I don't know, I reread it after I received the hard copy. There just seemed like there should have been more there. That something was missing. To me it might lend itself to the lack of grammatical skills I have.
Maybe it's an writer thing, I've heard tails of writers never being finished with their stories. The problem there is all stories must come to an end. I understand that, but even as a child I could not except such a fact. The credits would roll and I was always wondering what was to happen next.
Some people have told me that I just need to shut up and be happy I was even published. Trust me I am very happy, should I post the pictures of the day I got the hard copy in the mail? I'm not trying to nitpick, I'm just terrified that this dream I have had all my life will come crashing down right as I get started. See the thing most people don't know is that writing used to be a secret passion. I might have said it on here before in which case I guess anyone that read it knows. See for one reason or another when I was young I could not admit that I enjoyed something or wanted to do something. Still like that now, so to admit and work at writing only to fail is extra scary.
I'm not looking for fame here. If I happen to get that then wonderful, but I'd be just fine being that guy that puts out books you may or may not know. Oh and make a bit of a living off it. That's all.
What I do know is that this fear is keeping me from doing what I want to do. I have started on so many projects only to pass working on them out of fear. What if I put all that time into it and it sucks? It just seems this fear should be gone. It seems like getting published should have been that kick in the balls that told me that I can do this.
So I think the main thing is my education, so I am going to go back to school. Take a writing class better my grammar and write something so kick ass it might just kill me. I'm sure that will be what will remove that fear I have. At least I hope it does. There is always the fact it could be a writers thing.